I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Bring me that man meat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
