I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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