she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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