I faked an abortion last night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
