i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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