For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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