god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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