Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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