im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
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you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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