I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
