Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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