IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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