Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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