Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
