i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
