Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i think i just lost a toe
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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