last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
