I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
