so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
