i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
