I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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