Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
