M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
