my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
