Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
