Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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