I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
