I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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