My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
