I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
