when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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