Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
