Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
time to smoke my breakfast
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
