I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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