Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
