If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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