he puts the penis in happiness.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
