Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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