i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
