Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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