omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
time to smoke my breakfast
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
