How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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