tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
