Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize