im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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