My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
