Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
