Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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