i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
