That's intense
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
