Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
