I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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