I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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